After being asked back to have another ultrasound on my leg last month, today was the concluding appointment with my consultant.
There were two ways it could have gone... either he was going to tell me that my distance running days are over or suggest a treatment to fix it.
I prayed that it would be the latter...
This is my blog from another site, it's easier to just copy that rather than go through the whole thing again...
In tears...
..is how I've been since (and also during) seeing my consultant, Mr Robinson.
I trust and respect this guy 200%, from the first time I saw him he has always been totally honest with me... he's pulled no punches and always been straight to the point with his answers.
He's worked really hard to get to the bottom of the injury that none of the other 8 or 9 consultants, both private and NHS has managed to do. He's discussed my case with other experts, researched, and even had my case taken to and discussed in a conference in Gibralta.
Mr Robinson has described me to colleagues as an 'accomplished ultra runner whose running is extremely important to her', and although I know he understands this I reinforced it today in my last consultation with him.
I told him how my year started and how running was the only thing that had carried me through it. I told him how determined I was, and what happened in the Amsterdam marathon. I reminded him of my dreams, told him of the races that I had planned, and of my goal.
I asked him question after question, searching for any hint of hope in further treatment. I asked him if there's any way that there could be a mistake in the radiologists findings.
I desperately desperately searched for something, anything that would not make what he was telling me so final. And he knew that that was what I was doing.
I feel sorry for him because I know he didn't want to give me the bad news, in that my marathon and ultra running days are over, he apologised so sincerely and I actually think he had got a bit upset too.
So it was last resort time... I asked him about steroids and how long I could get away with having repeated steroid injections. I know how he feels about steroids, in that he doesn't like them because it's just a short term masking treatment that can cause further problems with tendons and other structures. But with the situation as hopeless as it is he was willing to discuss using them to get me through my most important races.
I told him that I would need something to get me through Boston on 20 April (I didn't mention the fact that I was doing London 6 days later...no point really). So he's agreed to get me an appointment for a steroid injection at the end of March. That makes the decision about Draycote for me I guess.
He asked if I was going to be ok as I got up to leave, and I bravely said yes, but inside I was far from ok and I left the hospital in tears.
Another Fetchie, firemannotsam, had texted earlier to wish good luck etc and when I texted him to tell him that it was not good news he phoned me. I felt so low at that point but what he said stopped me from sinking lower. It's tough to talk to someone who is as upset as I was, to know what to say, but he did and I'm so grateful for that. He tried to put a little perspective on a situation where I had none. Thanks buddy
All the way home my mind was racing as I sobbed my heart out. What races are the most important? How can I fit them into next year? Ok so, it could work... steroid in March takes care of Boston and London, and possibly Comrades. A steroid at the end of May after Comrades could take care of Dartmoor Discovery and 50 Challenge. Then a final one in September could take care of another marathon and London to Brighton. I feel like I'm in a panic to get the races that I want to do in... like there's a time bomb ticking.
Running is the only thing that I have been successful at, and distance running is how I define myself. I am Trinity and I am an ultra runner. And I've not reached my potential yet either.
So, that's it... I'm sorry Hrun... I won't be able to join you on your first marathon
But Steve... I WILL be in L2B..promise!
Oh what have I done FLM09 
