[BASE813]

All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified, food tasting horrible is nonsense. I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon.

[BASE813]

I paid for one of those 'high class' escorts the other week. I'm not happy though, I ended up with lobsters.

[BASE813]

There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the last 22 months and a total of 2,112 deaths. That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons for the same period.

That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq.


Conclusion: Maybe its time the U.S. pull out of Washington?

[BASE813]

A young man called directory enquiries. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in London"
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in London," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me The IceMan."

[BASE813]

My wife is forever saying I don't pay her any attention. So yesterday I was expecting brownie points when I said, "Have you had your hair done dear? You look different."
She went ballistic. I won't forget she's having chemotherapy again in a hurry.

[BASE813]

My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said, "we need to talk about our future."

I said, "yeah, it's gonna be mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"


I'm now single.

[richardsimkiss]

LMAO! Base, you'll have to let me know where you're getting these from - just my sense of humour

[BASE813]

...........these are the "acceptable" from my source... there are others that could be deemed pretty bad and offensive..... so I would not like to post a link here........ PM if your open minded enough and not going to get all judgemental on me....

[hot foot]

LOL

[twinkle toes]

Is it safe to come back in here?

[twinkle toes]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
.

.


.



.


.



"What the duck would they want with a plasterer??!"

[richardsimkiss]

tehehehe, nice one TT

[hot foot]

[Jude]

A husband and wife came for counselling after 20 years of marriage. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had
been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched
with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though
in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

[Liz3yy]

Brilliant!