[bairy]

A thread for your favourite (clean) jokes.

I'll start, taking this from goog.com

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Trinity]

ROFL bairy

I said to the ice-cream man “I’ll have a cornet please”. He said “ninety-nine?” I said “we’ll start with just the one”

[cheriton]

A welshman was washed up on a desert beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around he realised that they were alone and stranded .Anyway he got into the habit of taking his two companions to the beach every night to watch the sunset.

One particular night the sky was fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle......a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there the sheep started looking more and more atractive to the lonely welshman .Soon he leaned over and put his arm around the sheep.

But the sheepdog ever protective of the sheep growled fiercely until the man removed his arm.

After that the three of them carried on enjoying the sunsets but there was no more cuddling.

Afew weeks passed by when there was another shipwreck ,the only survivor was a beautiful young woman the most gorgeous specimen the man had ever seen... She was in a pretty bad way and the man nursed her back to health.

When she was fit enough the man introduced her to his nightly ritual,it was another beautiful night the sky was a fiery red wonderful cirrus clouds a warm and gentle breeze..
a beautiful night for romance .

Pretty soon the welshman started to get "those feelings"again.He fought the urges for as long as he could until he finally gave in,and now realising he had the oppurtunity leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear......

...








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.........

Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

[dimple]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a
woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions
no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill
her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The
agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and
go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into
the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears
in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn.. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I
had to beat him to death with the chair.'

[Squint]

An Irishman is rowing a boat down a field of hay. Another Irish man drives past. "It's thick c**ts like you that give the rest of us a bad name, I'd come over there and kick your arse for it but I can't swim"

[JBBury]

Ok, this isn't entirely clean, but it is funny :P

Lawer says to Mickey Mouse, "Mickey, I don't think it is reasonable to divorce your wife Minnie on the grounds she has buck teeth". Mickey Mouse replies, "I didn't say she had buck teeth. I said she was F****ing Goofy"

[BASE813]

A convicted drug dealer is in prison, and his father, an old farmer, comes to visit. His father explains that they are having problems.
"Son, the ground is frozen. It is too hard for me to dig myself at my age, but I can't afford extra men or to hire machines- I don't think we will be able to plant crops this year, which will mean we will go bankrupt and lose the farm."

Later the prisoner goes back to his cell and writes a letter to his father- " Dear Father, please be aware that a good friend of mine will be visiting soon. There is a large quantity of stuff he is collecting. It is hidden on the farm, he will know exactly what to do."

Some weeks later the prioner's father comes to visit. "Well, son, your friend never showed up, but before I even got your letter the police came round, searched the whole house and dug up all the land around, but they didn't find anything."

The prisoner smiles, " Happy planting, dad."

[BASE813]

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.

[BASE813]

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

[BASE813]

Shhhhhh!!.......
Don't tell anyone...... I'm gonna go down on you....
...And you're gonna love it...........
........But it's only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it........
....Then I'm gonna come back up again and screw you big time.....

Lots of love,
Petrol prices xx

[BASE813]

My doctor reckons I'm paranoid.

He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.

[BASE813]

I slept through the alarm this morning,good thing it was only a small fire.

[Steve]

What's green and sits in the corner..........?





The Incredible Sulk......

.......moans all round!!

[Generous Hypocrisy]

George Bush and his accomplice Dick Cheney were riding on an elephant. A group of bystanders were watching intently. All of a sudden someone in the croud shouted, "Hey look that elephant has two assholes on it!"
Bush and Cheney looked down at the elephants ass, confused.

[BASE813]

I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "do you sell bereavement cards?"
She said, "yes, sir."
So I said, "could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"