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Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.



Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy.



I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.



After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.



Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year." Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.



Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.



Came home today to find all my doors and windows broken open and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar.



I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.



After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.



A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."



Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
 

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:d:d Love the Vinesque one liners.
Heres some Viz tips from a while back;


GOOD TIPS FROM VIZ:

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of
your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply
think of another song you like and hum that instead.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all
the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid
having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin
bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy
night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before
going to bed to remove the stains.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up
and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately
tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up
the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches.
This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50
to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the
impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing
something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you,
beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the
car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by
simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to
bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on
view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a
seat.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry
for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone
whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and
the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by
standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your
watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by
popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at
exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take
the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming
from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail
prices.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour
so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of
car windows.

And the absolute belter for last

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men
couldn't give a s**t anyway and you could use the saved energy to
hoover the house afterwards. :lol:
 

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lol!

In the last ten years we have lost Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and lately Jimmy Saville. Now we have no cash, no jobs, no hope and no one to fecking fix it.
 

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The VIZ tips make me howl with laughter. :lol:

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately
tossing half the CVs into the bin. :wacko:

Some clever people out there aren't there? :idea:
 

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WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy
night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before
going to bed to remove the stains.
Apparently, to remove red white stains, you should use white wine. What a waste of alcohol...
 

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+1

Still wish I had one of their "Life of Christ Depicted in Cats" commemorative plates.
That sounds like a thing of total awesomeness :d

I passed a happy hour or so one afternoon watching Roger Mellie clips on youtube. It was great!

I think being introduced to Viz is about the only thing I would thank a certain ex for.
 

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You can follow the Viz Top Tips on Twitter, but they have had to retitle it twop tips because their lawyer didn't have time to vet them all and they had to distance the feed from the magazine.
 

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:lol: Cheeses!!! Those tips made me laugh!
 

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Some more Tim Vine classics :)

So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
 

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People of all ages and cultures respond to humour. The majority of people are able to experience humour, i.e., to be amused, to laugh or smile at something funny, and thus they are considered to have a sense of humour. The hypothetical person lacking a sense of humour would likely find the behaviour induced by humour to be inexplicable, strange, or even irrational. Though ultimately decided by personal taste, the extent to which a person will find something humorous depends upon a host of variables, including geographical location, culture, maturity, level of education, intelligence and context. For example, young children may favour slapstick, such as Punch and Judy puppet shows or cartoons such as Tom and Jerry. Satire may rely more on understanding the target of the humour and thus tends to appeal to more mature audiences.
I don't get it!
 

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Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but it's not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece !!!!!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila
 

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:d

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